Winter Solstice 1999CE

December 1999ce

Hey Hey Hey,

It’s finally here. Finally? What's final about it – it's just the start. We're crossing over that line into a new 1000 years and the Cainheads can't do a thing about it. Are you ready to rock the Millennium in, ’cause you know those Christians will be trying to cop it all for themselves! Right now, the local churchbells round our Neck of the Woods are being rung by suddenly-pious types who’ve gotta sudden-outpouring of Sudden-Christian fervour. But will they still be pulling on those ropes 6 months down the line? Don’t you bet on it! Right now, Sir Cliff has turned the Cainheads into Temporary-compassion-as-a-Fashion accessory as they surge through Woolies buying endless copies of ‘Ain’t Gotta (Millennium Prayer)’. Oh, oh, we're halfway there – Oh oh, Millennium Prayer! Poor Rabbi Burns must be turning in Jon Bon Jovi’s grave! Right now, some Cumbrian Council is trying to erect a Christian monolith outside the Mayburgh Henge! Will the cynicism run much deeper than that? Were Kiss Unmasked? Right now, some compulsive letter writer is dashing off another of those missives to The Times… ‘Harrumph, I beg to inform you that the actual start of the Millennium is really Jan. 1st 2001.’ Have these people ever been boned up the ass for being a wise guy?

While we’re standing on the verge of getting it on – grown men are collecting limited edition beanie babies. While we’re standing on the verge of getting it on – Jeremy Clarkson is still complaining that the car driver is being ill-served. Only Gerry Adams, mate. While we’re standing on the verge of getting it on – silver-spoon comedians like David Bad-Deal are mad at Donal MacIntyre for uncovering umpteen Cultural hells and looking like heroes in the process. Yet that sucker didn't mind looking like a hero for ‘Football’s Coming Home’ even if he is really Austro-Welsh! Be compassionate, you plank!

In the late 20th century, Judge Mental rules. They’ve just re-released A Clockwork Orange as the Russian Droogs stomp Chechnya into the steppes. Now is the time to learn to say ‘Nyet!’ They want us to say ‘Don’t leave your country, stay indoors, stay indoors. Don’t leave your city, stay indoors, stay indoors. Don’t leave your house, stay indoors, stay indoors. In a corner of your room, on all fours, on all fours!!!’ But it’s the beginning of a New Age (which doesn’t rhyme with Sewage), so all of those un-waged have gone on the rampage – Seattlemania against WTO, Polite Force Cops against GM Crops, smash crowbars against Popstars’ Cars, while the Martian Lander is lost on Mars.

Thanks for the love and I’m sending it right back. It’s a never-ending metaphysical circular delivered right to your door.

Love on Ya,